What has happened to my generation?

So many of you know that I've given notice at my job and plan to quit May 12. My boss is asking that I help in the search for my replacement. I am supposed to have all resumes and cover letters come to me and I have to weed out the crappy ones and give her maybe the top 3 or so to interview. I have collected 5 resumes so far since I notified a lot of people about my departure on Wednesday afternoon. EVERY SINGLE STUPID ONE I'VE RECEIVED HAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT. I feel like TOWWAS did when she was reading internship resumes. Lets go into a little detail:

The first one did his cover letter in the body of the email instead of as an attachment. Granted, it was a better cover letter than some others were but not very long. He didn't put his (from what i can figure) expected graduation date on his resume. His resume looks good to the eye but I'm not sure if he has the experience.

Four more came in over the weekend: The first one had a separate cover letter and resume (instead of being in the email) so that seemed like a good start. I opened the resume first which looked good--she is also about to graduate but she made that clear. Then I opened her cover letter which was a form letter that she hadn't bothered to fill in (the top says (date) (Contact Name) (Company Name) etc.) Then it says Dear (Name), I am interested in applying for the position of _________________, which you have advertised in the recent (name of publication).) Ooops, someone didn't double check what they are sending...Plus, she can't start full time until May 23 after she graduates. I'm leaving May 12, so that isn't great. But she can do part time before then. That might work...

The next one gave me hope. The woman sounds great, her cover letter was amazing, she seems mature, and then i realized she is--she has a masters and this job would be WAY below her. But hey, maybe she wants this job. So I ask her when she can start and what her salary requirements are (I'm asking everyone this.) She can start after she gives 2 weeks at her current job but she would like $40-55K starting salary. Yeah, I've finally broken that $40,000 mark after 2 years of apparently good work. Definitely wasn't my starting salary...

Then came a pretty funny one in my mind. She is getting a degree this May in International Business/Business Administration. Her objective on her resume is "to obtain a position in an International Business related field." I don't think this job is going to meet that objective...
She used a form resume thing in Word or something and under "education" managed to not delete the bullet point with [Details of position, award, or achievement.] next to it where Word prompts you what to write. Again people, lets proofread. She actually has pretty decent experience but I don't know, I just don't get a good feeling about her...

Finally, there's the one that I think has good potential (the one with the Masters was looking the best, but...) She isn't graduating until July which makes me nervous, but she has a current job at a big company in DC with the same job title as she would have here so maybe she can be full time. My only huge beef with her was that the very first sentence in her cover letter wasn't well written. At least it has our company name in it in the right places and is long and detailed and all in all, an ok letter. She just might have to have an interview...

This is stressing me out---I do NOT want to get conned into staying past May 12. (Not like I really can since I'm traveling for some of that time, but still......)

Stay tuned for more exciting job search updates!